Music to my ears

The girlies taking a piano lesson from Whitney and Jill.  Love these girls!

You would think!

Although I knew it wouldn’t happen, I hoped for a December where we could just sit around and watch Christmas movies, days filled with blaring Christmas music, fluffy white snow and building snowmen with my girls, Christmas cookies, sleigh riding and driving around to see the lights.  Essentially, a December filled with the Christmas spirit.

There are no lights on our house, no snowmen and our Christmas tree is dead. 

You would think that this weekend I would practice patience, more hugs, more kisses, more I love you’s.  You would think.  You would think that I could be a really great mom for the weekend?  For the day?  You would think! 

Don’t get me wrong.  On Friday, as I attended my work, each time I came across an image that tore at me, I gulped.  I literally swallowed my tears.  I ached as I thought, that could have been me. That could have been Brinley.  Or London. That could have been us.  That could have been my husband in that picture, right there.   I found that I literally couldn’t go there.  I couldn’t put my picture in her place.  That girl on the phone, with pure agony on her face.  No way could I survive that. 

I could be a really great Mom for the weekend?  For the day?  You would think.  Sure, I beamed with joy when I saw them.  Sure, I said, “HI!” with enthusiasm in my voice.  Sure, I most certainly DID tell them I loved them, but I wasn’t TRULY thankful.  In fact, I’m pretty sure it was impossible for me to feel TRULY thankful because of all of the bitterness I was caring.  Bitterness towards too many people, too many things, anger, pain, hurt.  Not just over this, over so many things and unfortunately I carried it with me.  I spent the weekend being too short, too impatient, too little quality time, too little I love you’s, too little compliments, too little kind words,  too little hugs, too little kisses, too much guilt, too much shame, too much pity.  And I wallowed there.  I was reminded so many times… my mother reminded me that “someday my house would be clean, but I would be lonely.”   My husband reminded me that my “life is perfect,” but I ignored them and continued to wallow. 

I promised Brinley we would build a snowman.  It was my idea actually, but when we got home at 11:00 at night, we did not built a snowman.  There were unkind tones in my voice.  And I let something happen to London that I am too ashamed to speak of.  And the guilt and the shame grew. 

Tonight I read Christmas books to Brinley (that’s one thing I do right and we absolutely love it!  We have read Christmas books every night this month).   And when my family was all asleep and I had a second to ponder it all, I wept.  For my children and for 20 others.  And shortly after I was relieved by the sound of London’s cry, for I knew that I was given a second chance.  I walked into her room and picked her up excited by the fact that she was sleepy.  This is the only time she will let me cuddle her or sit still long enough to hold her like a baby.  That same stillness that leaves me longing for a baby boy.  I held her and when I realized I could not put her down we wandered into the living room and from the light of just our tree I looked so deep into her stunning blue eyes that I could see the perfectness that lies beneath them.  I kissed her cheeks, her nose her, her ears and her eyes too many times to count.  I told her how much I loved being her Mom.  I asked her why she chose me?  I unzipped her jamies so that I could feel her heart beat.  I listened to her breath and felt the rise and fall of her chest, I held her hand and I tickled her palm.  I sang to her and at the top of the hour a little clock that my friend had just given me charmed.  It plays a peaceful Christmas tune every hour and she danced in my arms.  She loves to dance!  And that’s when I felt it.  Essentially, my home WAS filled with the Christmas spirit.  I had just been too bitter to notice it.  Reluctantly I laid her down and found myself in Brinley’s room.  I tried not to wake her as I climbed into bed next to her, but I did.  I told her it was “just me” I just came to “snuggle her”  and since she’s awake I might as well take the opportunity to tell her how much I loved her and that she better not ever forget it.  Brinley is used to me waking her up at night to proclaim my love to her, London however is not. You see, part of this guit I carry with me is because having two kids is not the same as having one.  I can’t do all of the things with London that I did with Brinley, so I feel guilty.  And London, as Brinley says it, “is a lot of work” so it does take away time with Brinley and I probably rely on her help too much so I feel guilty.  When Brinley was just a baby I would go wake her up in the middle of the night and just hold her, sometimes lay her in bed with us for a minute simply because I missed her.  Yeah, I don’t do that with London.  Not because I don’t miss her or love her equally as much as I love Brinley down to the very last sliver, but because I’m tired now.  I’m busy now.  And so I feel guilty.

Needless to say, tonight I am grateful.  For a second chance to get it right.  For this time that I spent sincerely loving my children with everything I have in me.  And no matter how many times I get it wrong nobody gets to take that away from me.  I can still love them through all of my flaws and imperfections.  Although I may not be the best Mom in the world, I’m the best Mom in the world for them and I’m thankful God allowed me the opportunity to be their Mom. I’m thankful for every second I have spent with them.

And tomorrow I will send my kindergartner to school, TRULY thankful for the chance. 

Family Pictures 2012

Full of Thanks and just plain FULL

I love Thanksgiving and I grow to love it more each year, a day to just be thankful.  I love it.   This year, during the month of November Brinley and I made paper leaves and each night before we ate dinner we would write one thing we were thankful for.  We missed quite a few nights because the truth is, we really weren't home all that much, but needless to say we have SO MUCH to be thankful for!  And when we had my family over for Sunday dinner they added to our little collection of leaves.

This year for Thanksgiving we went to my parents house.  Brinley and I made pies while Dustin played in his annual Turkeybowl. Brinley made her very own pie.  I personally think she did an amazing job!

Thanksgiving at my Mom's house is always crazy, always a crowd.  Someone mentioned to me how nice it would be to just go away for Thanksgiving, somewhere quiet and maybe go to a restaurant to eat. I was slightly appalled.  A quite Thanksgiving?  What's the fun in that?  Patrick reminded me just how true my feeling were when we went around the table and told what we are Thankful for.  Patrick is Harry's son and he grew up in South Carolina.  He mentioned that he was thankful for "this" for "family" because he had never really had family events like that growing up.

I'm thankful I didn't eat Thanksgiving dinner at Sizzler like a friend of mine, or at a Park City hotel like another friend of mine.  I'm thankful for all of this craziness.  (Patrick insisted on a picture or this never would have happened).

I will always be grateful for the kind words my husband spoke when it was his turn to talk.   

And don't get me wrong.  It is true that I hardly have any medicine in my house.  I almost never give it to my kids and almost never take it myself.  I could go on and on about what I believe, but regardless, I couldn't be more thankful for modern medicine.  And to those who disagree I would simply reply, you just don't understand.  SO SO incredibly THANKFUL FOR MODERN MEDICINE that it brings tears to my eyes. 

It all started a few months ago when Dustin and I were in the shower (I can say that here, right?) talking about change. We were talking about how we felt there was something “different” for us, like we had essentially been in the same place for 10 years. Yeah, things have change. We have babies and stuff, but anyway you get the point. And then it happened… all of the sudden we are in this crazy place where everything is crazy and our lives feel like complete and utter chaos and Dustin is gone for 16 or 17 + hours a day and my work is busy and the kids are busy and London is BUSY and Christmas and homework and gymnastics and music and parties and taking people dinner and it’s kind of one of those things where you look back and say, “why are we doing this again?” Seriously! I hate messes, why is my life such a mess? Sometimes it feels like I hate my life 4.5 days a week and LOVE it the other 2.5, ok that really only lasted for one week, but still. We really don’t want to be this busy, so why? Oh yeah, because it felt like the right thing for us. That brings me to my next point. I feel like I’m constantly juggling, but the thing is, I have NEVER been able to juggle. I do things like (how embarrassing) the other day I was cooking an egg for London’s breakfast only instead of cracking it into the pan I cracked it right there into the egg carton. Crazy! Oh, then there was that time the other night where I put her cute naked body into the tub… with her socks on. Today our FedEx guy came in and says,


“You look pretty today.”

“Thank you.”

“I like your earrings.”

“Thank you.”

“Switching it up, huh?”

Slightly confused I reply, “Yeah.”

And then I saw it. Some time later when I was washing my hands and glanced up at the mirror only to see two TOTALLY DIFFERENT earrings. One longer gold one with stings on it and one slightly shorter silver one with gems.

Crazy! Yep, I’m crazy!

Frankenstein

So, I have used the complete 1GB of photo storage, so I can't blog (with pictures) until  I decide what I'm going to do about that. And I have a broken camera :( have had for a while (can you tell by the poor quality of my pictures lately?)  Needles to say, I'm in a bit of a blogging rut.  Anyway, it's been a crazy life, I mean week.  We are hoping we make it through December.  No time to...well, really no time for anything.  I just wanted to remember something cute Brinley said.  We were getting out the nativity and I asked her if she remembered who the three wise men were and she did not.  I reminded her that they brought gifts to baby Jesus and she said, "oh yeah, I remember one of them was a box of Kleenexes."  "No, they brought him gold, frankincense and myrrh." She picks up one of the wise men  and says, "I think this one is the Frankenstein." I have such cute girls!  They bring so much joy into  my life!